The time has come for me to address my trust issues.

People at work have been manipulating me as a way to break me down to keep themselves on top of their little world.

And "Deena" was the device used against me.

Without going into my usually detailed descriptions (strange for me I know but what can I tell you) my "friend" at work (who told me many times how he could, if he wanted, to get "Deena" i.e. seduce her) tells me yesterday "your girl hit me up on myspace."

There is no way he could not see the blood drain out of my face.

I felt as if I was stabbed in the stomach.

Like I said, I need to work on my trust issues and here's why:

Being mad at my "friend" I took it out on "Deena."

I told her what I was feeling in the moment (as I was texting her a good-bye) which was that I was a liar and that I didn't believe she really wanted to be with me. Also I apologized for forcing her to lie to me by saying that she wanted to be with me.

Well, this started a chain of events that went all over the place.

Needless to say "Deena" was confused and hurt by my flip-flopping on her yet again and was very interested in understanding why I had changed my mind (again).

I tried to explain to her that the thought of her going to my myspace and emailing my "friend" just turned my stomach. (The thought still does).

Long story short, she and I had a very long and interesting text messaging bout last night that went from conversational to viscous and back again.

It also involved two cell phones on my end before I had actually talked to her.

Basically, it boils down to my transference of pain from "Lisa" to "Deena."

The reason I was having a hard time believing in "Deena" was because of what my "friend" was telling me (re: seducing "Deena" - and it was in my eyes unfolding exactly the way he said it would), what "Deena" told me herself, and how everything with her exactly mirrors what happened in Vegas.

*Just get texted messaged by "Deena" while writing this. Cool, huh?*

Anyway, things are back to normal except that I no longer work with a "friend" and "Deena" is apprehensive of me now that she knows that I don't believe her.

But the real problem is keeping my faith in "Deena" and not letting my mind wonder to the dark thoughts that have been forcing their way back into my head.

It's actually quite interesting; having a struggle such as this.

It is kind of like video game.

I'm trying to keep the Pong ball in play so that I can keep my trust positive.

I don't think I explained it right but you guys get the drift.