I am back to the absolute beginning again.

I have had a long relationship that went from friends to dating to friends to dating to friends to "I don't feel anything for you anymore."

And through all of that, she kept telling me that we ARE going to get married and have children.

But that is no longer the case.

So, as I said, I am back at the beginning.

And, as usual, I don't want to be.

So I am left, yet again, being in love with another friend that does not feel the same about me.

I told myself that she was different than all the other women that I was involved with and she was, to a point.

But as it turns out, she is the same and wants the same thing as they all do; "to be friends."

And, as always, I find that to be a selfish request on the part of the person that feels nothing for the other person.

Why should I subject myself to the pain of being in love with someone that is not in love with me anymore?

Why should I subject myself to the emotional pain of watching them fall for someone else?

And why in the fucking Hell would I subject myself to the emotional raping of them having sex with someone else?

Because I love her even if she doesn't love me.

Yeah, I'm a fucking loser.