'Sup?

I was going to wait till the 30th to post this, marking the end of a three year absence, but I couldn't wait.

I am not sure if I've mentioned this on here in the past but I've been having panic attacks on and off since 2002 or 2003. In fact, the attacks were mostly the main reason I lost all that weight (detailed in this post). As I lost the weight, the attacks rarely happened. Eventually, they stopped. Well... mostly stopped.

Unfortunately, the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance.

I have been to the emergency room (at two different hospitals) in the past seven months believeing I was having a heart attack. The second time, I was admitted for three days. That was a first for me; being admitted to a hospital. It was pretty sucky.

So, the panic attacks have been kicking my ass since last Wednesday (January 1, 2014). I had one Tuesday into Wednesday, Wednesday into Thursday, Saturday into Sunday, Sunday into Monday and Monday into this morning. As you may have guessed from my wording, my panic attacks happen 95% of the time in bed.

Till recently that is.

They have now started occurring while I am asleep as opposed to when I am going to sleep.

I now fall asleep fine and wake up in the middle of the night having a panic attack.

How fucked is that?!!?

I am currently in therapy trying to get at the cause of the attacks.

I was hoping it would've been a faster process than it's been because I need my sleep. Though, the therapist I have been working with is the best that I've dealt with over the years.

Just talking about some of the events I've had in my life centered around "sleep" and "violence" has helped me to figure out why I did some stuff when I was younger. Though, I feel a bit dim as only now have I been able to connect the dots from point A to point B when I probably should've done it much sooner. I mean, this is like "I could've had a V-8!" head slap realizations. But, better late than never.

Now, the reason I believe that the attacks began again so fiercely is that my therapist and I did not meet last week due to the holiday.

At least, I hope that is the reason.

We are scheduled to meet again this week.

I hope that the attacks will stop again.

I really need them to.