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I have not been taking care of myself.

I have started to eat junk food, fast food, and have not been drinking my gallon of water a day.

I have not been to the gym in a month.

I also started smoking again.

This is all in response to my "break-up" with "Deena."

It has hurt me pretty badly, deeply, and profoundly.

It also continues to do so because she desperately wants to remain friends.

And I am not sure I am mature enough to handle that.

I mean I want her in my life but my feelings of love and desire for her are very strong and forcing them to die has been very difficult.

We have continued to chat over e-mail, text messaging, and instant messaging but I haven't seen her since Halloween.

And that is what scares me.

How will I react when I see her.

(Sorry started to cry for a second).

Anyway, I am very positive that I will not be able to change the way I feel about her and that is definitely going to cause problems for our "friendship."

I have conveyed my confusion about her decision to be friends instead of lovers.

I have done that almost every time we've talked and I am sure she is sick of hearing it as I am of talking about it.

Yet, I am compelled to do so and will probably keep on till she becomes frustrated and stops talking to me.

Something strange happened yesterday.

I became frustrated with the situation and sent her a text message six texts long.

In that long text message I stated that I was not going to be albe to be her friend and that I was hurting myself because I wanted to fight for her because she is worth fighting for.

But the person I'd be fighting her for is her.

And that is a fight I will not win.