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I tried to go out tonight.

My mom is getting very worried about me.

She invited me out to her bowling night.

Standing in the bowling alley I had a panic attack and needed to leave immediately.

Seeing all those people freaked me out for some reason.

I have been unfair to my friend recently.

I went drinking last night and gave my phone away so as not to text my friend.

Yet my friend text me.

Twice before 9 p.m.

The person in charge of my phone replied to her 2nd text.

A while later I was stumbling off the train when either I text my friend or she contacted me.

I replied to her and I believe I was keeping it friendly.

But I did two things I now regret:

#1 - I told her I was in a fight.
#2 - I turned the conversation back to "us."

(Ed. Note - I am omitting details because they should be).

I believed that I was in a fight because I clearly remember fighting somebody on the street for bumping into me.

I have cuts and bruises that I couldn't explain so I thought they were from this fight.

Telling my friend this freaked her out.

She didn't want to text anymore she wanted to im me.

So as we were im-ing each other I became really down on myself while trying to say that I understand why she doesn't want to be with me.

This also caused her to be concerned.

When we were im-ing, she said that we will talk again when we see each other.

Reading that made me nervous.

So I cut the conversation short after I told her I was avoiding her, which was a lie.

(Ed. Note - I just wrote something self-effacing and deleted it).

But today I spoke with my friends and they told me that I had not been in a fight.

My bruises were self-inflicted via intoxication.

I sent my friend an e-mail explaining this and apologizing.

I sent another stating that she doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

I closed that e-mail by saying I was sorry for that as well.

There is more to say but I am not going to.