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I just don't know what to do with myself.

I see this quarter going by like a bullet and I've not learned anything.

I still need to get my certifications and focus on my school work but I cannot concentrate on anything but "Deena."

I almost cried again today and I am so fucking sick of crying.

I didn't post this below but when I sent "Deena" the long text message I told her that my semi-self destructive behavior was in response to wanting to fight for her but not doing it because she doesn't want me to.

Her response to that was quite eye opening, to say the least.

The list of adjectives she used to describe me and my behavior was disheartening.

I do feel that I deserved it yet she did hurt me as well.

So maybe her feeling bad about my behavior isn't the worst thing in the world.

Though it doesn't change how I will or will not react when I see her tomorrow.

I just hope I don't fucking cry.