I just try to keep moving forward but I can't.

"Michelle" is the "Lisa" of five years ago.

And I thought that I was over "Lisa." Well as over her as I could be but I was wrong.

Just one five minute phone call at 12:30 am Saturday night and I am instantly back to our last night together.

The following is a letter I wrote to a friend of mine but never finished it or sent it.

(All the names have been changed but the story has not).

Hey Sarah,

I think I might be gay.

Knowing me the above statement may seem weird to you but when a woman really wanted me to kiss her I didn’t, I couldn’t. I think she might’ve even wanted to have sex but I just didn’t respond. At the time I even realized what she wanted but I refused to acknowledge it.

I know. I’m a fag.

I can here you now, “Dude”!

Well, here is the back-story.

<> After I got off the phone with you my last night in Vegas, I wrote down a short message and dialed Lisa’s phone number. I left the message that it was my last night in town and that I would be at the Crown and Anchor at about midnight if she wanted to see me. I also left my e-mail address and told her to pass this info onto her roommate Autumn.

<> Time passes and I arrive at the C and A at about one, one thirty.

I look around but not too much because I really didn’t think she would show up. (I mean if she cared about me she would’ve called before I moved out of the dorms, right? Instead of us not talking for almost seven months).

Well, she wasn’t at the C and A. I had one pint of Guinness and it was off to the Champagne Café.

David Hayden start bickering about the crappy music on the radio and it becomes bitter. So David decides to leave the party. This is at about two, two thirty.

<> Five minutes later the phone rings at the bar.

The Bartender answers it. He looks around for a second, makes eye contact with me, and then says “yeah”.

<>
Looking over at four semi-drunk film students the bartender asks, “Is there a Ryan Sloan here?”

<>I, very unsure of this development, raise my hand slowly and say “Yeah?”

“Telephone for you,” the Bartender responds.

<>“Thanks?” I say.

I walk over to the bar and reach for the phone. The cord is two feet long. I’m four feet away as I take the receiver form the Bartender.

<> “The phone won’t reach so you’ll have to stretch,” the Bartender informs me.

I lean over the bar but the receiver is still too far away. I then drag a bar stool over with my right leg and kneel on it as I lean over the bar.

<> By this time I believe that Hayes forgot to tell me something and truly expect him to be on the other end of the receiver.

<> “Hello?” I say.

<> But it wasn’t David.

“Um, Hi?” it was a woman’s voice.

<> “What’d happen to you?” the voice inquired.

<> It was her.

<>It was Lisa.

This was the first time I’ve heard Lisa’s voice in almost seven months.

It made me sick.

<> My nerves lit a fire under my skin. The food I ate before I started drinking became a rock of indigestion inside my gut. My mouth became dry. My mind started racing.

“Lisa?” I asked, stalling for time.

“Yeah. What happened?” she asked. ”Why aren’t you at the Crown and Anchor?”

“Well,” I started, “my friend forgot his id and couldn’t get in so we came here,” I explained.

“Really?” she said. “Autumn and I just stumbled in. Nobody carded us.”

The rest of that conversation became a blur as I wondered what she was wearing.

Had she let her hair grow long again?

<> How’d she know I’d be here?

<> Was she high?

<> And who was that fucking guy who answered her phone that time in June?

“How much longer are you going to be there?” Lisa asked.

“About another one or two hours” I told her.

“I’m on my way,” she said.

“See you soon” I replied.

<> I tell my friends whom was on the phone and that I felt as if I was going to puke.

Clay asked, “Do you want to leave?”

"No” I replied as I walked into the men’s room.

<>Time passes.

And passes.

I finally realize that Lisa isn’t going to show up.

I came to this conclusion because the phone rang at the bar again but this time the Bartender wasn’t around to answer it. I was as sure as I could be that it was Lisa sating she wasn’t coming.

Thirty minutes later Autumn walks in with Lisa behind her.

<>We all say “hi.”

I introduce Autumn and Lisa to Hayden, Clay and Quan.

<>Autumn sat next to me.

Lisa sat next to her.

<>As soon as I saw Lisa, I decided that I was not going to fawn over her. No matter what, I was not going to kiss her ass. If she wanted to talk to me, she was going to have to come to me.
So basically she and I didn’t talk the whole two hours we were in the bar.

<>At least, not till the last thirty minutes when Autumn returned from the bathroom and physically forced Lisa to sit next to me.

After a few “what’s up” questions, Lisa asks, “why’d you wait till the last day to call me?”

Our eyes lock.

I had no response.

<> She kept waiting for one.

She wants an answer and I don’t have one.

I look away.

“Why are you leaving?” she finally asks.

<> “I’ve run out of money and in four months I’ve been on three job interviews,” I answer.

<> “But what about LA?” she inquires.

<> “Can’t afford it,” I simply tell her.

<> She asks again, “Why did you wait till the last day to call me?”

<> This time she doesn’t wait for me to answer. She continues, “I thought you’d left already.”

The conversation continues in this manner. We want to tell each other things but don’t. I feel it is because we don’t want to let our guard down. We’ve hurt each other in the past and, I assume, we don’t want to start again.

Not now.

Not with so little time.

<> But during the whole time Lisa was in the bar, before we started talking, she and Autumn were throwing pretzels at me and the weirdness doesn’t end there.

Lisa started taking everything I took out of my pockets.

<>
She took my lighter.

<> My lip balm.

<> My film.

<> My favorite pen.

<> And my watch.

<> Ten minutes later, the party comes to an end.

<> Quan had left already, Hayden had work in the morning and I had a plane to catch.

<> Lisa and Autumn were going somewhere else.

<> Every body started to get up from their seats.

<> That’s when Lisa kissed me on the cheek.

<> Autumn and I hugged goodbye.

<> Then Lisa and I hugged as well.

<> As she and I pulled away from each other I asked, “Can I have my stuff back now?”

<> “What stuff?” she replied. “I don’t have anything.”

<> At that she and Autumn ran out of the bar.

<> I followed.

<> Outside they were trying to get into Lisa’s VW Golf as I exited the bar.

<> Not sure if they were kidding, I got behind the car and stood my ground with, “I’m not moving till you give me my stuff back”!

<> “I have no problem driving over you”, Lisa stated.

<> “I have no doubt about that”, I replied (with a more harsh tone than I intended) but was ashamed I said it and didn’t notice her reaction to it.

<> She and Autumn then came around to where I was standing.

<> Clay and Hayden come out of the bar and said “their nice to meet you” to the girls as they got into Clay’s car.

<> Again Autumn and I said “goodbye” and hugged.

<> She gets into Lisa’s car and waits.

<> There we are.

<> Alone.

<> For the first time in seven months.

<> “So why’d you wait till your last day to call me?” Lisa starts.

<> “What do you want from me?” I thought.

But I say “Now?! You want to do this now? What about seven months ago?”